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Classical Gas/Transcript
Brent Leroy: Who's that? Oscar Leroy: Don't answer it, probably telemarketers. Emma Leroy: That's right, they dialed our doorbell. Go get it. Jonathan: Mr. Leroy? Oscar: Yes? Jonathan: I'm Jonathan Zinella. I'm the foster child from Kenya that you sponsored. I was in Canada and I thought I'd come visit the family that sponsored me so I could thank them. Oscar: You're welcome. What? Brent: I didn't even know you guys sponsored a child in Africa. Oscar: Yep, we put a lot of cups of coffee in this kid. Jonathan: And thanks to your generosity, I was able to escape the squalor of my existence and become a doctor. Emma: Oh. Oscar: I always knew he'd grow up to be a doctor. Emma: You didn't even understand the program. Emma: We should sponsor a foster child. Oscar: Huh, why can't Ed Foster take care of his own kids? Oscar: Ed, Emma wants us to buy one of your kids. Emma: You just don't get it, do you? Oscar: Ed Foster would have sold one, if you hadn't been so rude. Jonathan: How about you Brent? What was your childhood like? Brent: I was able to escape the squalor of my existence to take over the gas station. Oscar: A doctor! Shh. Wanda Dollard: Sorry, this thing is jammed. Can't seem to get the money drawer open. Karen Pelly: Awesome, thanks. Wanda: No, can you help me? Karen: Sure. Wanda: Just make sure you don't...rip the drawer off the tracks. Karen: You have another one of these, right? Lacey Burrows: Hey, I've added some new items to the menu that you guys might wanna check out. Davis Quinton: Delicious bean salad. It doesn't sound very good. Fitzy Fitzgerald: Yeah, I'm not really in the mood for a fabulous falafel. I'll just stick with my usual. Davis: Me too. Lacey: Fine. Two hamburgers coming right up. Davis: Make mine bun-less. Carbs, you know. Hank Yarbo: Hey, something's broken, you didn't call me? Wanda: Figured it was already busted so what could you do? Karen: The drawer was stuck. Hank: You try yanking on it as hard as possible? Karen: Yeah. Hank: Well, that's all I got. Wanda: I'll use the calculator to ring these up. Hank: Whoa, calculator? Use that big brain, do it in you head. C'mon it'll be fun. Wanda: OK, that'll be...7, 37. Hank: Man, that was awesome. So if I give you a ten, how much change? Wanda: $4.13. Hank: Geez, that was fast! Did you see how fast she could do that? Wanda: There you go. Hank: All right. Karen: That was fast but it wasn't the right answer. Wanda: Well, maybe if you hadn't broken my cash register, Hank wouldn't have gotten ripped off. Karen: Hank wasn't the one who got ripped off. Wanda: Oh. Brent: Hey, Lacey. I'd like you to meet my brother, Jonathan. Lacey: Hi there, nice to meet you. Brent: That's it? I say I have a brother and you don't even bat an eye? Lacey: You say a lot of things. I'm done with batting my eyes. Hank: Wait, wait. You've got a brother and I just find out about it now? What, I thought we were friends. Man, this stinks! Brent: Was that so hard? He's not my actual brother, he's my parent's foster son, named Jonathan. Hank: Oh, someone got the hair in the family. Oscar: He's a doctor. I always knew one of my boys would grow up to be a success. Ha, ha, ha. Hank: Hey, I'm Hank, Brent's best friend. We're like brothers. Brent: More like cousins, really, like second or third cousins. Is there such a thing as a fifth cousin? That would be us. Lacey: Would you like something to eat Jonathan? Jonathan: That would be great, thank you. Lacey: I have just added a few new items to the menu. May I suggest the pleasurable papaya salad. Jonathan: Um, no thanks. I'll just have a grilled cheese sandwich. Oscar: Make it two. My doctor son is buying me lunch today. And a couple of coffees too, I'd say you owe me. Hank: Man, that can't be easy. Listen to your father go on about how proud he is of Jonathan. Lacey: Or listening to your father, period. Hank: Just 'cause he's a doctor and you work at a gas station doesn't mean you've wasted your life. Lacey: Yeah, somebody's gotta pump gas for the healers. Karen: You can't do math? But you're the smartest person in town! Wanda: Einstein couldn't do basic math very well and yet, he came up with the Theory of Relativity. Which I understand by the way. Karen: Right, but 4 times 6 is... Wanda: I know other things. Quantum physics, anthropology. Do you know the conflicting forces applied in this tetrahedron? You heard me, tetrahedron. Karen: Wow, too bad you can't get a Nobel Prize for stacking stuff. Wanda: You see, this witty banter is exactly why I don't want people to know that I'm not good at math. You gotta help me. Karen: I'm busy. Wanda: I may not be great with numbers but I figure it's gonna cost about 200 bucks to fix the cash register which Brent does, or doesn't, need to know you broke. Karen: Busy helping you with math. Emma: Hey Brent. What are you doing for dinner tonight? Brent: Eating. Emma: Well, come eat at our house. I wanna have dinner tonight, the whole family. Jonathan: Sounds nice, thanks. Emma: Don't talk with you mouth full. Hank: Hope you got enough food Emma. 'Cause nobody can eat like old Brent here. Jonathan probably can't eat as much as Brent and he's a doctor. Oscar: You're not coming over for dinner if that's what you're getting at. Hank: No, no, no, I'm just saying that when it comes to eating, Brent can pack it down more than anyone. Like a hippopotamus. Brent: Thanks, Hank. Oscar: There she is. Wanda, show my son, the doctor, that we're not all rubes here. Do something smart. Wanda: Well, I could point out that you don't have a son who's a doctor. See, I know about genetics. Karen: Must come in handy when you're ringing up bread and motor oil. Oscar: Do that math thing that Hank says you can do in your head. Rack 'em up. Wanda: Actually, I'm training people now in uh, math. Karen? Wanda: Uh, the items come to... $9.43. Oscar: Really? Karen: What do you mean, really? Wanda: She's right. Oscar: See how smart Wanda is? Jonathan: But, she did... Oscar: Oh yeah, Karen. If you keep practising, maybe one day you'll be as smart as Wanda. Wanda: Oh. Oscar: Or my doctor son. Ha, ha, ha. Karen: Yeah, what are the odds of that? Seriously Wanda, what are the odds? 50-30? 60-10? 12? Lacey: Ooo, French bread, fancy dinner? Emma: Yeah, I want to impress my special, little guy. Lacey: You know, sometimes you spoil Brent. Emma: No, I'm talking about Jonathan. I want to make something new. Lacey: Me too. I've been making new stuff at the Ruby but I can't get anyone to try it. Emma: Well, you need a marketing trick. Lacey: You know, I don't know if I believe in all that marketing stuff. Oh, Coke Classic is on sale. Oh, I love Coke Classic. Oh, and classic spaghetti sauce, maybe I should get some of that. Radio Announcer: You're listening to Classic 107, all classics, all the time. Coming up, another classic hit from a dynamite band on our all classic weekend. Lacey: I've got it. Lacey: Try my new dynamite chili. Davis: Ooo, I don't think so. Lacey: Aw, I thought that'd be a classic. Davis: Ooo, if you had "classic chili", I'd have that. Lacey: OK, now I get it. Brent: Is that duck? You never made duck for me before. Emma: It's not every day that we have a special guest from out of town. Brent: No, seems more like every week. Oscar: Bet they never fed you like this back home, eh Johnny? Jonathan: They sure didn't. Emma: Jonathan, eat your vegetables. That's not how I raised you, from a distance. Brent: That's a good point Mom, maybe Jonathan should eat my vegetables too as punishment. Emma: Everyone's eating their asparagus. There are people starving in Africa-gina. Hank: Hey everyone, sorry to interrupt dinner but I just wanted to show Jonathan and remind his Mom and Dad of this ball of string Brent collected in grade 6. Emma: Jonathan's a doctor, not a kitten. Hank: Well, this was the second biggest in our class. Oscar: Brent saved string, ha. Jonathan, saved a village. Jonathan: Well, not a whole village. Davis: So, what's the special today, Lacey? Something really exotic? Lacey: No, just a classic goat cheese omelette. Davis: Classic, huh? Mmm, that was great. Hey Hank, try the classic goat cheese omelette. Hank: Oh, goat and cheese in the same omelette? I'm in. Fitzy: I'll get one of those classics too, sounds good. Lacey: OK, two more goat cheese omelettes coming up. I mean, two classic goat cheese omelettes coming up. Hank: Gotta love those classics, huh? Emma: Are you sure you know where you're going? Jonathan: Yes. Emma: Yes? Jonathan: Yes, Mom? Emma: And don't doddle on your way over there. Oh, and put this sweater on. Jonathan: Aw... Emma: Oh, don't say "aw" to me young man. Put it on. There you go. Lacey: Here's your classic goat cheese omelettes. Oh, and Brent, your Mom phoned. She wants you to call her once Jonathan gets here, safely. Brent: Odd, but OK. Lacey: Yeah, he found his way over here from Kenya, hopefully he can make it to the Ruby. Brent: Yeah, I wouldn't want him to get lost in the metropolis of Dog River. Hank: Ha, ha! Ho, ho, that's funny! You're funny. Lacey: What about what I said? Hank: Not so much. But Brent, he's funny and a successful owner of a gas station. I mean, doctors around the world would be envious of your wit and gas. Huh? Wanda: Goin' on a picnic, huh? Glen: No, I'm shingling a roof. Wanda: Oh. Glen: Hey, you're good at math, maybe you can help me out. The roof is 15' by 44'... Wanda: Uh-huh. Glen: And if each bundle of shingles covers 8 square feet... Wanda: Sorry, I'm just in the middle of a call. Glen: Then how many bundles of shingles do I need to cover the whole roof? Wanda: C'mon, it's a simple one. Karen: Somebody call 911? Wanda: No, weird, must be a mistake. But since you're here, Glen has an interesting question about shingling a roof. Davis: Hey, I got this clicking sound in my knee. Oscar: I'll get my son to look at it. Davis: I don't want Brent touching my knees. Oscar: Oh, not Brent, my good son, Jonathan. Here's what he looked like when we first got him. Not bad, huh? And all it cost me, was just a few pennies a day. Davis: I'm over here Oscar. Karen: All right, according to my calculations, if your roof was 44' by 15' you would need, 82 and a half bundles of tiles. Glen: Well, if you don't mind, I'm going to get a second opinion. Karen: Sure, call a hardware store or... Glen: How'd she do, Wanda? Wanda: Well, you know, her math was bang on but Karen, they're called shingles, not tiles. Sorry about that Glen. Glen: I know how hard it is to find good people. Wanda: Bah. Hank: Hey Brent, could I borrow some money for a beer? One thing about my buddy Brent, is that he's got a lot of money and he's always willing to be generous with it. Brent: Sorry, I seem a little short on cash right now. Hank: He also keeps me on a tight leash. Jonathan: You need a twenty? Hank: Thanks, man. And I always pay my debts, that's what Brent taught me. Can I borrow twenty bucks? Wanda: Sorry about calling 911 before. Karen: No problem. There was a car accident just outside of town but that's really nothing compared to a roofing emergency. Wanda: Well, that's the spirit. Karen: I just wish you wouldn't belittle me in front of everyone. Wanda: Ah, it's to keep up appearances. Karen: Fine, but could you be a little more considerate? Wanda: Fair enough. Hank: Hey, Wanda. Got some great number here you should add up. Lots of sevens. Wanda: Sorry, too busy tutoring Constable Kindergarten over here. Ha, ha. Just keeping up appearances. Lacey: Hey, Phil. I see you got the classic nachos there. Phil Kinistino: Ah-ha, you want some? Lacey: Nope, but I know what you're up to. Phil: What? Lacey: You know what I'm saying, they're classic. Phil: Someone needs to drive Lacey home. Hank: Another interesting thing about Brent, sure he's a little on the heavy side but he's got a great center of gravity. Watch this. You can't move the guy! Brent: When you say Africa is war-torn, how bad would it be compared to this? Oscar: How do you set the timer on this thing? Brent: It's the button on the... Oscar: I know what I'm doing, jackass. Emma: Let me fix your tie. Jonathan: I think it's pretty good. Emma: Oh, it's too bad you have to leave. Oh, wouldn't it be great if you moved here, opened up your own practice? Oscar: Aren't the Fosters selling? You could move into the Foster home. Brent: Don't pressure the guy, maybe he doesn't want to live in Dog River. Oscar: Who wouldn't want to live in Dog River? Emma: He wouldn't say no to his foster parents. Jonathan: No, I wouldn't. It'd be fun to live here. Jonathan: I don't want to stay here. I really don't want to stay. You've gotta help me. Brent: How am I gonna help you, they're your foster parents. Just tell them you don't want to stay. Jonathan: But by saying I don't want to live here I'll be implying that I'd rather live in a poverty-stricken part of the world dealing with disease-ridden citizens would be preferable to living in Dog River. Brent: Yeah, I guess that could come across as offensive, especially if you say it like that. Jonathan: Plus, your Mom's driving me crazy. Brent: Really? What about Dad? Jonathan: He's OK. Brent: Huh, hey, maybe you're not a good fit. Jonathan: And Lacey deceiving everyone by putting "classic" in front of food to get people to buy it. Davis: Lacey's doing what? Brent: So, I'll just put this on your tab then? I'll hang onto your gas cap until you pay it. Davis: You thought you were fooling me into buying something because you called it "classic." Lacey: I didn't think I was fooling ya, I was fooling you. That's not the same at all. Davis: I'm not eating here today. Lacey: The point is, you tried new dishes and you liked them. Davis: No, the point is I can't trust you and your slick marketing tricks. I'm going to the bar for some nachos. Davis: Hey Wanda, I want you to figure out how much Lacey ripped me off with her "classic" trick. Wanda: You know, the Norse god of tricks was Loki, son of Odin...? Davis: Yeah, let's see. I had the classic Pad Thai for $7.99, a classic endive artichoke salad with raspberry vinaigrette for $8.99 and the classic sea bass for $11.99. How much did I spend? Wanda: Well, um...hey, Karen! Student protegée. She can do it. Karen: Do what? Davis: Add up 7.99, 8.99 and 11.99, and the taxes. Wanda: Go ahead, show them what I taught you. Karen: I'll try, can I use a pencil? Or crayons, 'cause that's how we do math in kindergarten. Wanda: Use finger paints if you have to. Emma: Aw, you look handsome. So grown up in a tie. Oscar: Good photo, huh? Jonathan: That's very nice, but where's Brent? Emma: Ah, that's his elbow right there. Brent: Hey, you cut me out of the picture? Oscar: People around here know what you look like. Emma: Well, at least we got your good elbow. Brent: I have a bad elbow? Hank: Hey everyone, check out this yo-yo. Show everybody how you walk the dog. Brent: All right, enough of this. I can't take it anymore. Look, I'm not proud of this but despite my gluttony and my awesome string collecting abilities, I do feel inadequate next to Jonathan. And I think he should leave. Emma: Oh! Brent: That's how I really feel, really. Karen: I think Davis deserves to see the master at work. Davis: Yeah, I wanna see the master. Karen: So, what is it master? And don't forget the taxes. Wanda: 46.87? Davis: Amazing. Karen: Well, not so amazing. This calculator says 32.74. Davis: Well, that's embarrassing. Karen screws it up even using a calculator. Karen: What? Davis: Well, that's the only logical explanation. Wanda: Yep, close the book on that puzzle. Have a nice day everybody. Karen: OK, you know what? I broke the cash register and Wanda can't do math. So, I was the one doing the math, the basic simple math that anyone can do, except Wanda. Davis: OK, someone's been working too hard. I'm taking Karen home. Karen: No, I'm the math master! Davis: And no more cool brain tricks until I get back. Math Customer: What's a thousand plus a million? Wanda: Sorry, you heard Davis. No more math. Who wants to conjugate some Latin? Math Customer: We want math. Emma: Nonsense, he's not leaving. I don't know what's come between you boys but you never fought like that when you were kids. Oscar: Where did we go wrong with them? Brent: I don't like the way that Dad favours Jonathan over me. Either he goes or I go. Oscar: Can you work a gas pump? Lacey: Why are you listening to Oscar? I mean, it's Oscar, you know, Oscar. Oscar. I can't be anymore clear than that. Brent: I just don't measure up, Hank was right. Hank: Ooo, if I had a nickel every time I heard that. Jonathan: Please, Brent's right. I see that it was a huge mistake to come here. And make Brent feel bad. Anyway, gotta go pack. Brent: What? It's for the best. Right, Hank? Hank: I was just trying to build you up, man. I didn't think you were going to attack your brother. It's just a ball of string, man. Jonathan: I can't thank you enough. You've really saved me. Brent: By saving you I've saved hundreds of lives in Africa. Guess that makes me a hero. Jonathan: You sure you don't want to come with me? Brent: Well, believe me, it's tempting, but one of us needs to stay behind and run the family business. Oh, Mom wants you to wear this sweater. Jonathan: I will, but only as far as the airport. Brent: Now you're learnin'. Brent: Jonathan says hello. He's working on getting a hospital built in Nigeria. Lacey: Wow, that's impressive. Brent: Yeah, I'd do that too but I'm neck-deep in wiper fluid over there today, so... Lacey: Davis, welcome. Oh listen, I'm sorry about everything. Davis: Aw, that's OK. I guess sometimes business can get in the way of friendship. Lacey: Well, I won't let it happen again. What can I getcha? An old-fashioned roast beef sandwich or home style stew? Davis: Ooo, home style stew sounds perfect. Denizen #1: How much is the milk plus the chips multiplied by a magazine. Denizen #2: Divided by diapers. Wanda: Get off me! Delivery Guy: Cash register's fixed. Wanda: Oh, thank God! How much do I owe you? Delivery Guy: $170 plus tax. Oh, uh, plus shipping, handling. What's that make? Wanda: Oh, shut up. Category:Transcripts